Marriage is a serious commitment. Beyond all the glamour and excitement that trails the wedding preparation, engaged couples need to understand this.
Now, this is not to scare you or discourage the excitement. No, it is mainly for you to set your priorities in order.
While preparing for the wedding, engaged couples serious about making their marriage work must also be preparing for the marriage.
Your preparation should not be limited to the flowery arrangement on the big day. It should also include how you and your partner will run your home or how committed you are to ensuring nothing comes between you.
Having said that, I will be sharing some wisdom for engaged couples in this article. I will discuss what you need to know before getting married and the things to prepare for before your wedding.
Things to Do Before Getting Married
1. Get Your Finances in Order
Weddings are not the easiest on the pocket; they cost a lot. So, you must ensure your finances are in order before getting married.
First, set a budget for the wedding and make a commitment not to exceed it. Maybe you could add a little extra for miscellaneous, but stick strictly to the budget.
And in setting your budget, there is no reason to break the bank. Have a substantial amount left for your life together, which is more important.
Then, as a couple coming together to share a life, make sure your finances are in place and ready for the new life you’ll be beginning. This is important because money is one of the most significant contributors to divorce.
2. Spend Time Talking
Talk! Talk! Talk! This is a good time to spend time talking. Yes, you may have spoken a lot before getting engaged, but have you really discussed the important issues?
Have you spoken about things that will actually matter in marriage? If you haven’t, this is the time to.
Don’t get so engrossed in the wedding preparations that you forget to spend time getting to know each other again as an engaged couple heading to marriage.
Discuss even the most trivial things like your favourite pizza toppings or how you enjoy spicy food.
Also Read: How to Communicate Effectively in a Relationship
3. Fight and Resolve It
This is not the time to shove any issue under the carpet. If you have any issues, bring them up and discuss them.
Fights are necessary for a healthy relationship. You need to discuss even the most uncomfortable topics; that’s how you get to know each other better.
So, don’t keep anything bothering you away; it will come back to hunt you in marriage if it is not sorted out now.
4. Focus on Each Other
Yes, I understand there is so much to do with the wedding plans. However, make sure they don’t keep you from focusing on each other.
After all is said and done, you will only have each other left, not the table decorations. So, don’t let that or arguments about that take much of your time.
Trust me that the kind of decorations you use won’t matter at the end of the day; having each other is what will.
5. Prioritize the Marriage
Again, let preparing for the marriage be more important than the wedding. Of course, I’m not saying don’t plan for a glorious wedding; the memory of your wedding day is something to look forward to.
But don’t let that take over preparing for marriage. For instance, don’t spend all your money on the wedding and have nothing left for the marriage.
And don’t exert all of your energy on the wedding, having nothing left for the marriage. The marriage is a lifetime, and the wedding is at most a week – even for the most flamboyant.
6. Make a Decision of Commitment
Your courtship is the best time to make a decision to commit. This is the time to make sure there are no lingering doubts.
If you need to postpone the wedding to clear doubts, please do. Make sure you are walking down the aisle, certain you want to do life with the person.
Sure, you could be nervous, and you may even develop cold feet. But that is usually different from doubt in your gut that you are doing the wrong thing. if you are experiencing the latter, please address it before going ahead.
However, if there are no doubts, be ready to commit fully to your decision to be with that person as long as you both shall live.
7. Learn Each Other’s Love and Apology Language
If you haven’t learnt each other’s love language, this is a good time to do that. You can check out the five love languages and how they apply to your relationship. Then, make sure to start speaking each other’s love language.
Secondly, learn each other’s apology language as well. How do they want to be apologised to? Some people are good with “I’m sorry.” Others need you to discuss what you did wrong before apologising. Make sure to learn all these during courtship.
8. Honesty is the Best Policy
Tell each other everything the other needs to know. Don’t hide any important details going into marriage. That would be marriage on deceit.
Some things might not be easy to discuss, but you must discuss them before marriage.
9. Learn How Each Other Resolve Conflicts
People resolve conflicts differently. Some people need time to talk about it, and some want to address it as it happens.
You must understand each other if you have different conflict resolution styles and make allowance for each other.
10. Enjoy the Moment
Be present and enjoy the moment. Don’t be so caught up in the future that you are not enjoying the moment. You can only get engaged once, so enjoy the joy that comes with it.
Things to Know Before Getting Married
11. Be ready to commit to love every day.
Marriage can only work when the two people involved make a commitment to love each other every day.
As a matter of fact, one of the first things you need to understand about love is that it is so much more than feelings; it is more of a decision.
Love is a decision to – for lack of a better word – love. So, you must be ready to commit to love through it all because there will be times when you will not “feel” like it.
Also Read: What Love Is Not
12. Marriage is a union of two forgiving people.
You are not perfect, and you are not marrying a perfect person. You both will mess up; you’ll sometimes act selfishly and hurt each other.
So, you must be ready to forgive before you do anything to the other. Expecting your spouse not to hurt you is delusional; expect it and forgive ahead.
13. Be ready to talk about everything.
No topic is off-limits in marriage. No relationship can flourish without communication. In fact, one of the signs that something is wrong in your home is when you are no longer speaking.
Talk about the trivial things and discuss the serious topics. Always talk and tell each other everything.
14. Marriage is not just about you.
A lot of people erroneously go into marriage thinking it’s about them. They go into marriage expecting so much from their partner and not thinking of their responsibility in building the home.
It takes two to tango, so you must never forget that marriage is give and take. Be ready to do your part even as you expect your partner to do theirs.
15. Your spouse is not solely responsible for your happiness.
Don’t misunderstand; I’m not saying your partner should not try to make you happy. From the time they say “I do”, they are agreeing to contribute to your happiness.
However, they are only human; they cannot make you whole. Only God can do that. So, you need to find happiness and joy inside and outside them. And they must do the same.
And then, both of you will unite to create a wholesome union.
16. Marriage is not always 50/50; sometimes, it is 80/20
The belief that marriage is 50/50 is wrong because there is no way both of you can contribute equally at any point in time.
Sometimes, your spouse may have more resources to contribute more and other times, it’ll be you.
And by resources, I mean time, money and energy. For instance, if one of you is furthering their education for a promotion at work, the other might have to pick up the slack in that season.
Therefore, the best way to regard marriage is 100/100. At every point in time, both of you should be putting in your best to make the marriage work.
17. You reap what you sow.
A great marriage doesn’t jump on anybody. If you want a great marriage, you have to work for it.
Think of all the people you know with great marriages; they have that because they put in a lot of work.
So be ready to work to get the kind of marriage you want.
Also Read: 24 Romantic Ways to Surprise Your Partner to Wow Them
18. Don’t let anything or anybody – including your children – come between you.
Two has become one, and if you are truly one, no one should be able to come between you. Don’t let external parties and factors come between you.
Even your children should not have the power. Let them know you and your spouse are one. Of course, this doesn’t apply in the case of abuse.
But with a normal, loving relationship, you must be the priority to the other.
You are a team; ride for each other.
19. Don’t lose yourself.
Marriage is not an excuse to lose your individuality. Don’t lose your personal goals and dreams.
Yes, they might be adjusted and even compromised, but it should not be at the expense of not recognising yourself at the end of the day.
And this is why you need to know this before marriage. So you can marry someone who is your biggest cheerleader and is ready for both your goals to find expression in the union.
Don’t marry someone whose goals or purpose doesn’t align with yours.
20. Don’t lose who you married.
Never stop courting. In fact, I will take it to the extreme and say, remain boyfriend and girlfriend.
Don’t be so caught up in that husband and wife role that you lose sight of the babe or guy you married.
This is not to say that you shouldn’t take your responsibility as parents or married partners seriously, but don’t also lose the people you were when you were dating.
Go on dates, play, laugh, cuddle and definitely don’t forget the romantic gestures. It is essential to still date each other while married.
Also Read: Romantic Gestures that Can Keep Your Love Alive
21. Be ready for 100% transparency.
Remember that two have become one, so you must be ready to be naked and unashamed. You cannot afford to keep anything hidden in marriage.
Don’t marry someone you feel the need to hide stuff from. You should be with someone you’re comfortable sharing, even the most embarrassing and weak parts of yourself.
22. Be friends, not just spouses.
Be intentional about being friends. Don’t just be husband and wife; be each other’s best friend.
Build a marriage such that your spouse is the first person you think of when something happens or there is “tea” to share.
23. Whatever is an issue during courtship will triple in the marriage.
Anything that is an issue now will be even more of an issue in marriage. So, this is a time to address any issue that is bothering you.
Don’t sweep it under the rug; if it’s bothering you now, it will bother you even more in marriage because you will be sharing the same space and seeing them every day.
Make sure the flaws you see now are things you can handle when tripled.
Now, this is not to say you should call off the wedding for any flaw. Remember, your spouse is not perfect, just like you aren’t. So, you must be ready to accept some flaws and live with them.
But if you notice red flags or deal breakers, ensure you can handle it before continuing.
24. Your spouse is not your enemy.
You are a team and not enemies. So, see your issues as the enemy when you have them. When you have arguments, argue with that understanding.
Always remember that the conflict is about knowing your partner more, getting closer to them, and not fighting each other to the death.
25. Be ready to give and be appreciative of what’s offered.
One of the most common issues is that one person feels they are giving more than the other. Or one person feels unappreciated for what they are doing in the marriage.
So, to avoid that, you must be ready to give and appreciate your partner for their part. Even when they are lacking in some areas, encourage them by appreciating what they are doing right.
If you are only nagging them, you might discourage them from doing anything at all.
26. You can’t change anybody.
You are not the Holy Spirit; you cannot change anybody. Even you know how difficult it is to change yourself, not to talk of another.
So, don’t go into marriage expecting to change your spouse. Marry someone whose flaws you can handle even though you can trust God for them to improve the areas they are lacking.
27. Don’t compare your spouse to others.
Comparison is very dangerous in every relationship. Be ready to accept and appreciate your spouse for who they are.
Once you start comparing your spouse to someone else, you are going down a slippery hole. Focus on your spouse and not others.
Things to Discuss Before Getting Married
Another piece of wisdom for engaged couples that must be taken seriously is the discussion that must be had before getting married. You must discuss and agree on these things before walking down the aisle.
28. Religion
You must discuss and agree on your religion. Since you are already engaged, you should know where each other stands on religion.
If you are on the same page, then it might not be an issue, but if not, then it should be discussed.
You should discuss what your new family’s stand on religion will be and how you will raise your children based on the religion.
If you are a believer, you should know you are not meant to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever.
However, you should also discuss their belief on certain tenets of the faith like tithing, sowing, the leadership of the church, the importance of the church family, Holy Ghost baptism and other vital tenets of the faith.
29. Conflict Resolution
Talk about how conflict will be resolved in your home. This is an excellent time to make pacts and commitments.
For instance, you can promise each other that there will be no name-calling no matter how angry you are or that you will still call each other the pet names you have for each other despite how you feel.
30. Children and Parenting Style
Discuss whether you want children and how many.
Talk about parenting style also. Do you prefer the old-fashioned way of disciplining children or prefer the modern way?
Should the other parent show public disapproval when they don’t support a disciplining style? How much freedom will be accorded to the children at what age?
You can even discuss if chores will be shared based on the children’s gender.
No topic is off-limits; you must be sure you and your spouse are on the same page on how to raise the children.
You should also discuss scenarios where there is a delay in child-bearing. What will be the response of your partner? What are the acceptable measures that can be taken to get children? For instance, some people are against surrogacy; talk about that.
31. House Care
Discuss how the home will be cared for. Will it be solely the woman’s responsibility while the man chips in when he can, or will it be shared accordingly?
What about taking care of the children? How much is expected of the man to contribute, especially when they are still babies?
Is getting help important to any of you? Will they be live-in help or not? Discuss it all.
32. Finance
This is a crucial topic you must discuss at length. At this point, you should know what each other is earning. And talk about how finances will be shared in the home.
Will the man be solely responsible for finances while the woman chips in when she can, or will it be shared accordingly?
What areas will you and your partner cover? Will you have a joint account or not? Do you have debts or loans to cover? Talk about all areas of finances and make an agreement.
33. In-Laws
This largely depends on the culture. Some cultures involve families more than others. If you know you are from a more communal culture, you must discuss to what extent your in-laws will be allowed in your union.
Can family members live with you or not? And if they visit, how long is acceptable for a visit? Don’t assume your partner agrees with you; talk about it.
34. Physical Intimacy
Talk about what you are comfortable with or what you consider completely off-limits. You can even discuss if PDA is allowed in front of the kids and how much of it is allowed in front of the kids.
35. Dreams and Life Goals
Discuss your dreams and life goals. Talk about what you are both looking up to in the future and how you can align the goals together.
This conversation will give you a clear idea of whether you will be marrying a supportive partner or not.
36. Pets
If either of you has pets or loves to have one someday, discuss it. Don’t assume everybody is open to having pets.
37. Non-Negotiables
Tell each other your deal breakers and what you will never compromise on.
Also Read: Things You Should Not Sacrifice in a Relationship
38. Extent to External Interference
Let’s be real. In an ideal situation, you’ll never have to invite external parties into your relationship. However, sometimes, you might need help. In that instant, to what extent will you allow external interference?
And what kind of people can you both speak to? Friends? Family? Pastor? Parents? Or therapist? Talk about this and settle it before marriage.
39. Meaning of Privacy
In this day of social media, where we share many things with our online friends, this discussion must be had.
What does privacy mean to you? What should absolutely not be shared? What can be shared, and to what extent? Make sure you are on the same page about it.
Also Read: The Differences Between a Private and Secret Relationship
40. Individual Identities
Some people don’t believe a couple should have individual identities after marriage, while some do. And even for those that do, they might differ in the extent allowed. Discuss this with your partner to make sure you believe the same thing.
For instance, some people might be okay with their partner having a man or woman cave where they go to cool off when stressed, and some are not open to the idea. So make sure your partner’s school of thought aligns with yours. Or discuss it to find a common ground.
Conclusion
We have come to the end of this discussion; with these tidbits of wisdom for engaged couples, you can say you are prepared to go into marriage.
I want to add that, of the things to discuss before marriage, you may not agree on every single topic. So, you need to decide on things that can be negotiated and those that aren’t.
And in some instances, you need to adjust and make compromises on both sides to accommodate each other. A sign that you are not ready for marriage is when you are not prepared to compromise on certain areas.
Therefore, my greatest piece of wisdom for engaged couples is to have a must-have and can-be-compromised-on list. This way, you can be more clear about what’s important to you and what you can let go.
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