Most of us have done it at some point – said “yes” when you wanted to scream “no” or agreed to help out again, even though you were running on empty.
You smiled, nodded, and swallowed your frustration just to keep the peace.
Sounds familiar?
If it does, you should keep reading this post on how to overcome people pleasing, because that is what it is – people pleasing.
But before we get there, let’s properly get the definition of people pleasing right.
What is People Pleasing?
People pleasing is when you consistently put others’ needs, wants, and feelings above your own. It’s making a habit of prioritising everyone else’s happiness so much that you start to neglect your own.
Note that this is not to discourage being kind and helpful, as those are great qualities to have, but people pleasing takes it to an unhealthy level.
It usually comes from a deep desire to be liked, to avoid conflict, or to feel needed. But over time, it can leave you feeling drained, resentful, and disconnected from who you are.
As someone who was a people pleaser all her life, I can understand how frustrating it can be, especially when people begin to take you for granted.
Thankfully, I am a testimony that you don’t have to stay stuck in that cycle; you can learn how to overcome being a people pleaser.
And in this post, I show you how, right after we discuss the signs of people pleasing, so you can ascertain if you actually fall into the category.
Signs of People Pleasing
1. You struggle to say no
One of the major signs you are a people pleaser is when saying “no” feels like you are committing a crime because you worry it’ll make them upset or think less of you.
So you keep saying “yes” even when you’re exhausted.
Also, a good sign is when you are deathly afraid of disappointing people, so you keep disappointing yourself by accepting everything they bring your way.
You know you shouldn’t, but accepting seems easier than upsetting them.
2. You care strongly about what people say about you
Another sign of people pleasing is when one little comment or side-eye can have you spiraling for days.
It is when you replay conversations in your head over and over again, analysing if someone’s mad at you or thinks you’re rude.
If your self-worth is tied too tightly to others’ opinions, you might be struggling with people pleasing tendencies.
3. You always put yourself last
Maybe, once in a while, this is healthy since selfishness is also not a good virtue.
However, going out of your way for everyone else all the time and putting your own needs last is a major sign of people pleasing behaviour.
People pleasers push their wants to the back burner like they don’t matter and pour into everyone else even when they are running empty.
4. You have an irrational fear of being disliked
You are a people pleaser if the thought of someone not liking you makes your chest tighten.
So, you’d rather sacrifice your comfort than risk ruffling feathers.
Even though you know rationally that not everyone’s supposed to like you, you still try to be everyone’s favourite person.
5. You agree with everything
Have you ever nodded along just to avoid conflict even when you disagree? Yep, that’s typical people pleasing behaviour.
If you keep your real thoughts to yourself, afraid of being seen as difficult, and constantly pretending to agree, you are likely a people pleaser.
6. Confrontations make you anxious
A people pleaser hates confrontation of any kind.
If you are one, you will find that the idea of confronting someone over anything makes you want to melt into the floor.
So, you’d rather suffer in silence than speak up. Unfortunately, you bottle things up until you explode – usually at the worst time.
7. You lack self-esteem
People pleasing often grows from low self-esteem. When you don’t truly believe in your worth, you seek validation from others to fill that gap.
The result, sadly, is that you keep changing to be what others want, instead of owning who you really are.
Also Read: Ways to Build Your Self-Confidence
How to Overcome People Pleasing
Now that we have understood the traits of a people pleaser, let’s look at how to overcome people pleasing tendencies.
1. Understand that it’s impossible to be liked by everyone
No matter how hard you try, someone out there just won’t vibe with you, and that’s okay.
You’re not ice cream; you weren’t made to please everyone. The sooner you accept that, the freer you’ll be.
Trust me, being liked shouldn’t be your goal – at least not by everyone.
Focus on those who matter, and they will show you who they are by how they treat you, how they love you for who you are.
For those who don’t, they simply don’t. Instead of chasing their approval, focus on earning respect and staying true to yourself.
Like I said earlier, real connections don’t require you to constantly perform for them to like you.
Stop trying to win everyone over so you can make space for the people who genuinely like you for you.
2. Set boundaries
Every single individual must define their boundaries to protect their peace, energy, and mental health.
I say that to say setting boundaries is how to overcome men pleasing, and it’s necessary because people shouldn’t only love you because you are always readily available to them.
You need to start letting them know what boundaries should not be crossed.
You must identify what drains you, then practice saying things like, “I’m not available for that” or “I need some time for myself.”
It will feel weird at first, but you will only overcome when you push through that initial discomfort.
It’s worth it, though, I’ll tell you, when you finally get to teach people how to treat you.
3. Deal with the discomfort of saying no
Another point on how to overcome people pleasing behaviour is to be ready to deal with the awkwardness of saying “no.”
I’ve been there, so I know how it feels; sometimes, it is not just awkward, but scary, especially if you’re used to people pleasing.
You may literally feel heart palpitations and anxiety, scared that they will not react well.
But let me tell you, if you will just let yourself go through it, if you can just bypass it the first time and then, keep doing it, you are on your way to freedom.
You can’t grow without that discomfort; you will constantly stay in that cycle if you don’t learn to live with it until it’s not scary anymore.
When it starts becoming difficult to stick to your guns, remind yourself that “no” is a complete sentence. You don’t always owe an explanation because the more you explain, the more they are likely to draw you back into that cycle.
When someone reacts badly to your “no,” it’s usually because they were benefitting from your lack of boundaries, so don’t let that deter you.
Give yourself permission to be uncomfortable for a moment in exchange for long-term peace. I promise you, it’s the best thing ever.
4. Give your opinions
You have thoughts, ideas, and experiences that matter; so stop hiding them just to blend in.
People pleasers often want to be agreeable every time, but how to stop being a people pleaser is to speak your opinion proudly.
Remember that speaking up doesn’t make you difficult; it makes you real.
Now, because this is a new territory for you, you can start practising voicing your opinions in low-pressure settings first, like with close friends or in group chats.
The more you do that, the more you’ll feel confident enough to voice out more.
Yes, people might not always agree with you, but the point is not for them to. The goal isn’t to win debates; it’s to stop erasing yourself.
Sharing your perspective helps people understand you, and you deserve to be understood, not just liked.
Also Read: How to Become a Better Communicator
5. Help when you want to
The reason I thought to include this is so you don’t misunderstand that we are saying the way to stop being a people pleaser is to stop helping people or giving yourself for the greater good.
No, that is not it; helping others is beautiful, especially when it comes from the heart.
Plus, it gives you dopamine – makes you feel good – which is good for your mental health.
So, of course, go ahead and help when you feel it from your heart to do so.
What you shouldn’t do is put yourself in a cage where you feel like you always have to help, even when you don’t want to or even have the strength to.
Before jumping in to fix everything, ask yourself: “Do I want to help, or do I feel like I have to?” There’s a big difference.
People pleasing often makes you feel guilty for putting yourself first, but you’re allowed to choose when and how you give, so you don’t burn out or grow resentful.
Be generous, but not at the cost of your peace; you don’t owe your energy to everyone.
6. Don’t tolerate one-sided relationships
If you’re always the one reaching out, checking in, doing favours, or compromising in a relationship – platonic and romantic – something’s off.
Healthy relationships are a two-way street; it is give and take.
But people pleasing blinds you to that because you’re so focused on being needed.
Constantly pouring into others while getting little or nothing in return leaves you emotionally drained.
So you must choose the right relationships and cycles.
Pay attention to who reciprocates your energy and who only shows up when they need something. When you’ve done that, it’s okay to pull back from them because you deserve relationships where your needs matter just as much as theirs.
7. Embrace authenticity
Your quirks, boundaries, and preferences are what make you who you are. To stop people pleasing and find your power, you need to give yourself permission to be real.
Not only does authenticity make you happier, but it also helps build deeper and more meaningful connections.
You honestly don’t need any version of you that you’ve created to be liked.
Be your true self, and you will live a more wholesome life.
Those who like you will, and those who don’t; wish them well.
8. Be kind to yourself
People pleasers often hold themselves to impossibly high standards. They mess up once and suddenly they’re the worst person ever.
But the thing is, you are only human; you will mess up a lot of times, and you deserve the same grace you give to everyone else.
Start catching that inner voice when it’s being harsh and replace it with something softer.
Instead of always saying “I should’ve done more,” tell yourself “I did what I could.”
Please note that this is not encouraging complacency or mediocrity; you should still push yourself to be excellent.
But you must also be kind and gracious to yourself in that journey.
You’re human, you’re learning, and you’re allowed to put yourself first without feeling guilty.
9. Start small
You don’t need to become a boundary-setting, opinion-sharing, “no”-saying powerhouse overnight.
You were a people pleaser most of your life, so you won’t drastically change overnight.
Give yourself time and start small; small steps are still steps.
For instance, if you say “let me get back to you” instead of committing on the spot, or you boldly ask for what you want when picking dinner, those are steps in the right direction.
Those tiny acts of self-respect will eventually add up. The more you practice, the more natural it’ll feel.
So permit yourself to grow slowly. Even baby steps can lead to big freedom.
And don’t be discouraged or give up when you fall into people pleasing; pick yourself up and resolve to do better next time. Little by little, you’ll get there.
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